Wednesday, April 30, 2008

If you've got nothing, you've got nothing to lose

Photo: Seminomad on Flickr

It has been said that "the heart has reasons, which reason knows nothing of..." I think that's true. When you feel it, it's there. You can't choose love, love chooses you. Your heart decides how it feels, often without consulting your head first. The key, I believe, is being open to love. That's the tricky part.

An old friend of mine used to always say, "Don't let your emotions cloud your judgment." In my life, emotions are always clouding everything up. When it comes to love, I'm pretty sure that my emotions have kept my judgment murky for my entire life. I fall for the wrong guys, I probably blow off most of the right ones. Am I just impossible to please? You see, I can name at least five boys I have crushes on right this minute, but would I actually want to date any of them seriously? Not really. So often, the bartender of love serves up a foamy mug of lust. In the past, I've been okay with that. I've always loved my peanut gallery, and to be honest, getting serious with someone was not really at the top of my priorities at one time. I much preferred light hearted convo and casual encounters. As I get older, I can't help beginning to think in terms of permanence. I can't fight the desire inside me to settle down, without settling.

I had my heart stomped on until it was black and blue by someone I had been sure was my soul mate. Love came at me like a truckload of pudding, careening off a sugary highway; however, what initially seemed sweet, left me broken hearted and with a gut ache. I'd be a liar if I didn't admit that part of me is afraid of that happening again, so I have kept myself guarded to some degree. I believe that trust is the most important thing in a relationship; however, trust can be painfully difficult to give once you've been taken advantage of. What I'm starting to realize though, is that I will never find love again if I don't allow myself to be open to the possibility. I've decided that it may be best to abandon my Penny Lane theory, which is, "never take it seriously, 'cause if you never take it seriously then you never get hurt and if you never get hurt then you always have fun." I bought into that for a long time. I really thought that Bob Dylan had it all figured out, "if you've got nothing, you've got nothing to lose." Guess's bullshit, because most often, whether you define something or not, the feelings are still there. At the end of the day, whether you've lost anything or not, with that attitude, you still have nothing. It's pretty easy to get stuck in a rut, become unable to move forward, even when you are painstakingly aware that you're not getting what you deserve out of a situation.

So I'm opening myself up once again to the idea that I could fall in love and more importantly, that it may work out. I'm not going to live my life being too afraid to love someone for fear that they might not love me back. I can't allow the fear that it might turn out like it did before hold me back from experiencing what there is or what there could be in this world.


Alex said...

Very insightful post. Being open to love is a good thing. Getting hurt only teaches you lessons, it's not something to regret.

Raul said...

Beautiful post, Jennifer...

When my ex-boyfriend broke my heart and proceeded to marry a woman (go figure), I thought life as I know it was over for me. He had proposed before and I felt he was THE ONE. He wasn't. But you know what? For however long I felt it, I felt VERY much in love.

Barbra Streisand sums it all up in a phrase in "The Mirror Has Two Faces"... "love feels fucking fantastic even if it only lasts for a few minutes".

You are a lovely gal and I'm sure you'll find the right guy. Being open to finding him is the first step.

Jennifer Stoddart said...

Thanks for sharing your story and for the kind words, Raul! :)

Anonymous said...

Yay for love. Boo for you being the queen of vague blog posts. :)

- J @

Jennifer Stoddart said...

Come on, J...the guesswork should be the fun part! Haha. But seriously, sometimes it has to be vague because I'm talking about a broad scope of things (or people)...This one in particular, is directed towards a friend (but based on my past experiences).


Keira-Anne said...

I love this post. I am sure we will have lots to talk about on our early morning walk tomorrow!

Phaedra said...

"I can't fight the desire inside me to settle down, without settling"

This is the key point, I sense. You are in a place that even though you may have the urge to settle down, you know that you would be settling if you did. I think you are experiencing a shift, and with that insight comes awareness. My guess is now when the type of man you used to attract and date will no longer be of interest to you. Even though you may not know what you want in a guy per se, it sounds like you know what you don't want, and that's half the battle right there.

Once you are able to fully love yourself, the rest just falls into place....

hugz :)