Sunday, April 6, 2008

Hold onto yourself

Incessant phone calls beginning at 2am the other night from "the past" really shook me up. I felt like screaming, crying and punching a wall, all at the same time. A welter of tidily buried feelings were brought back to raw, vivid life instantly, and it got me thinking...

Photo: Cure on Flickr

When you share genuine love with someone, even in its dark moments, it is beautiful. The joy, laughter, pain and the tears are all part of the experience. But what if you have feelings for someone who is wrong for you? If this person disrespects you, doesn't consider you, or takes advantage of your vulnerability? When all thought and reason tell you to be strong and toss the jackass out, you instead succumb to your emotions and allow yourself to be treated in a way that does not empower you. This person who at one time made you smile now makes you cry, so why do you let it continue? Perhaps you are attached because the way the person treats you reaffirms some negative emotion you have about yourself. That person may bring to surface the insecurities or negative emotions that you are already familiar with, so it's strangely comforting. Maybe you just really believe that time will change things. Perhaps it's a self esteem issue.

Photo: La Salsera on Flickr

I have found that many women are so empowered and strong in their careers and in so many aspects in their life, but when it comes to a man, they crumble. I admit that I, myself have taken disrespect and have compromised myself, making excuses for the other person's behavior, trying to convince myself of the lie that I'm living, in order to hold on to hope. We know our worth in our careers, in our friendships, but why do we sometimes forget our worth when it comes to relationships? There will be people in your life that you will fall for who will not see your worth in their self cherishing ways and will bruise your heart. It is very possible that these people have never had real love and care, and therefore, do not have the ability to appreciate it, even when it's right in front of them. I try to think of these people as blessings, because they teach you so much about yourself. Unfortunately, the process of learning about yourself and revealing the insecurities that you never even knew existed can be a painful and hard one, but they only make you stronger and wiser in the end. This is why I can't regret the decisions that I have made, or what I have been through. As much as I would like to delete the pain associated with the past, I must recognize that I had to go through it all to become who I am today. And I wouldn't trade that.

At some point, you hit a proverbial wall when you realize,"hey, I've had enough" and subsequently, you raise your self esteem and remember your worth. I've come to many realizations recently about myself and I'm thankful to the supportive people in my life who have shared their wisdom with me and given me a shoulder to cry on. Feeling insecure, rejected, attached, and vulnerable is part of being human. It's okay to feel sad and it's okay to cry. But what you do with those feelings and whether you let them consume you or if you turn it into a strengthening and learning experience is your decision. Know your worth, don't ever forget how special you are. And if someone makes you doubt your value or makes you compromise yourself or your integrity, they don't deserve your tears.


Amy said...

"And if someone makes you doubt your value or makes you compromise yourself or your integrity, they don't deserve your tears."

So true, Jenni. You told me that when I was going through it- thanks for the support, could not have gotten through those time without you there to listen!!!

Phaedra said...

Sounds like you've reached a point of self discovery on this issue. Good for you Jennifer, as emotional attachment can be a difficult one to break, even when it's for all the right reasons.

hummingbird604 said...

Hi Jennifer :)

I had a very similar experience with a former best friend of mine. Luckily I got rid of him at the right point. I agree with Phaedra, it does sound as though you have reached a point of introspection and self-discovery that creates the conditions for you to realize how toxic this relationship was. I admire that quality you have. Hope you're having a great week!


Keira-Anne said...

Those 2am phonecalls are a bitch, to say the least.

Self discovery is a beautiful thing. Unfortunately, letting go is never as simple as it should be. It's often the right and logical choice, in theory. However, it often takes much time before our hearts are caught up to that place as well.


Jennifer Stoddart said...

Letting go is something that I was painfully aware I should do long before I was actually able to do it. Thankfully, my heart has finally caught up now.

Jennie said...

I went through a similar situation about two or three years ago. I know the exact feelings you are expressing. It's amazing how we're all so similar yet we think each of our situations are unique and nobody knows how we feel.

Rock on, sister friend.