Sunday, July 8, 2007

Suddenly everything has changed

"Is there no way out of the mind?" --Sylvia Plath

I've been in one of my moods this week. I was beginning to get pensive and tortured, doing a little bit of the woe is me routine. I had really let myself get rundown. I suppose I really haven't been taking the best care of myself lately. I haven't been eating well and my insomnia has been worse than ever. When I can sleep, I have been having the most disturbing dreams. The result? I've been tired and downright grouchy. So, I decided to take a weekend of "me" time- I needed an escape from the city. I went out to stay at my parents' house in the burbs since they are out of town and I could have the whole big place to myself. This is exactly what I needed. Tonight, I feel re-energized and happy.
Last night I connected with some friends for a mellow night at home-we ate, drank, sang and had lots of laughs. Perfection.
I'm really working on feeling happy with myself. I certainly do struggle with feeling thin enough, and pretty enough and happy with what I see as much as I struggle with seeing what is actually there. I've been busy gathering up all the lessons that life has thrown my way lately and trying to do something with them. I've been listening to good music, writing and reading Jack Kerouac, which can have a tendancy to make me want to become a bit of a relcuse and turn me a little more crazy than usual...but in the tortured artist, eccentric writer kind of way. What a punishment it can be to overthink, but at the same time, that is when my creative juices are the most fluid. And all this thinking has lead me to make some important decisions. I've always said, I write to understand. I learn a lot about myself through writing. I'm being proactive right now and that is a good thing. I've spent too long sitting idle and talking, talking, talking but never actually doing many of the things I talk about. It's all about the follow through, kids...there's so much to learn in this too-huge world, and if we're not students of the school of life, well then what the hell are we doing here? So I'm choosing to learn. I'm choosing to grow. I'm choosing to look on the brighter side of things.

Here are some of my favorite Jack Kerouac quotes...the man was an absolute genius. I've delved into On The Road this week. There's nothing better than getting deep into a good book.

"What is the feeling when you're driving away from people, and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? It's the too huge world vaulting us, and it's goodbye. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies."

"My fault, my failure, is not the passions I have but in my lack of control of them."

"I like too many things and get all confused and hung up running from one falling star to another till I drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody but my own confusion."

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the mad ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say commonplace things but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars..."


Scott said...

I hear ya. Sometimes you just need to get away. And being happy with yourself is probably one of the hardest thing to do, especially in a world that centers on forward movement, improvement, success (whatever that means), and pitching one person against another like if we are all strung up into some ridiculous hierarchy.

Anyways, liking your blog. And your gorgeous, so there :P

Jennifer Stoddart said...

Thanks Scott:)