There's a pretty face on the cover of the magazine and all I can see is my dirty hands turning the page

Today as I was busting my ass on the elliptical machine at the gym, trying to avoid the guilt I felt for sneaking a cookie after dinner last night...I started thinking. I was looking around at all the other girls working out in that gym; staring into the mirrors, their reflections looking back at them. Were the same feelings of inadequacy going through each of those girls heads? Why do we do this to ourselves? Why don't we ever feel like we're good enough?

In the moral order of our media driven society, the definition of what constitutes beauty, or even an acceptable body, seems to become more inaccessible all the time. We live in a universe where you could bounce a quarter off the well toned abs of any celebrity, and magazines are filled with airbrushed photographs of emaciated models with breast implants. We are constantly bombarded with images of Nicole Richie and The Olsen's among other twenty somethings who look like they need feeding tubes. How is any normal girl supposed to feel attractive or desirable when these ladies set the bar?

The pursuit of beauty has become an obsession for so many. It is an obsession that gnaws at the insecurities of most women; even those who are, by any objective opinion, drop dead gorgeous. Nobody wants to acknowledge that in our sophisticated decade, something as superficial as beauty can propel one person forward and hold another back. Society needs a revolution in its values. Beauty needs to be defined with much broader parameters. We need to avoid being trapped into the suffocating vanity that cuts off oxygen to the brains of so many girls (myself included!)

Beauty is nothing we can ever hold onto, yet we've panted after it through the ages, eager to drink it in and swallow it down in huge, hungry gulps- like the very breath of air itself. I've realized that if I have to sacrifice having fun and doing things that I enjoy in life to look a certain way, the choice is clear. Living fully and being happy is what life is for. Perfection is an illusion.
And in my experience, many of those who appear perfect to the outside world are merely camouflaging a plethora of imperfections on the inside.

I've come to the conclusion that you've got to have a healthy relationship with your body if you want to be happy with it. This has been an ongoing struggle for me. I wish I could say that I love and accept myself as I am, but the truth is, I have spent much of my life worrying about how I look and feeling insecure about my body.

We all come in different shapes and sizes, and the grass is always greener on the other side-two cliches that, like most cliches, happen to to be true. We are all different, and we all wish we had something other than what we have. What we women need to do, instead of worrying about what we don't have, is just love what we do have. Get to know your body. Love it, respect it, treat it right.

Because really...doesn't the world have more important issues to focus on?

There you are, there you are, there's my heart...

I guess I would say that placing my sense of happiness and security on someone else was one of my biggest faults. When you don't put all of that on a relationship, it breathes so differently. I like living with the freedom of 'I will make myself happy and be my own source of strength.' I just feel different now.

But I do believe that I have an anguished nature. I admire people who know how to appreciate life as it is. I really try to, but I always worry about people around me. Since I was a very small child I have been like that. I always want to take care of everything and everybody. I don't imagine that part of me will ever change.

On some level, it is as if in the last while, I have conjured a better life for myself out of sheer willpower. There was a point where I hit a real low. I knew that something had to change or I would risk being miserable forever. So I made a decision to begin cobbling the life I desired on my own. Breaking old habits and ending toxic patterns has brought me to this place of inner peace.

I was supposed to be heading to Tofino this weekend for the Roxy Surf Camp, but dates were changed and now we're not scheduled to ride the waves until the end of August. The forecast is calling for rain all weekend, so it sounds like the change of plans may just be for the best afterall. I like camping, but don't have much more rain gear than my rubber boots, despite living in the 'rainy city'. I actually find myself quite looking forward to a mellow weekend. I'll spend some quiet time at the beach reading and writing. I welcome not having plans and being at liberty to do whatever I want. As much as I have been looking for an escape from the city, I'm ok with having a weekend to relax. No commitments, just fresh air.

On another note...


Click here to listen to Matthew Good's new record Hospital Music. He's streaming it on his site until the official release July 31st. The first round of shows for Matt's upcoming acoustic tour were announced today including a September 2oth show at The Centre in Vancouver.

Log on to matthewgood.org and sign up to hear it now. Do it.

Happy Birthday Matt! I wish I was there for the party tonight!

What doesn't kill us now just makes us better whores

Imagine if your favorite rockstar invited you to a pool party at the beautiful Las Vegas home that he was staying in...you'd get a live performance and a preview of his forthcoming album... sound too good to be true? Well, for about 20 lucky Matthew Good fans who were chosen to attend a special evening that he is hosting tomorrow night, it's a reality.

Needing some time away from the busy city before his upcoming press and acoustic tours begin, Matt is staying out in the Las Vegas suburbs chilling out and relaxing. He has decided to treat a few friends and fans to a little acoustic show as the sun sets over the desert on his 36th birthday.

Matt’s also going to play Hospital Music so that everyone can have a listen to the new record, which will be released on July 31st. If you can't wait for the release, Matt will be streaming the album in its' entirety on his website starting tomorrow until the end of the month. The first single Born Losers is available on itunes now.

Matt's willingness to host such an intimate evening certainly says something of his character (and this is not the first time). This is clearly why his fans are so loyal and adoring of the man. Having spent some time hanging out with my friend Mr. Good, I will say that he is one of the most intelligent, kind, thoughtful, compassionate, witty, hilarious, and down to earth artists that the world has ever seen. I have had the opportunity to hear the new album and I can say unequivocally that I think it is his most powerful record to date. It is also his most personal. The first time I heard it, I told him that I thought that of all his albums, it sounds the most "him"- it is brilliant and honest. And that's exactly why we love him.

**PHOTO BY JEREMY CROWLE

I'll trip, fall, pick myself up and walk unafraid

"Fear teaches you how to improve your life. Go where your fear lives, and conduct an interview. If you and your fear are not already good friends, this is a fine time to get acquainted."

That's what my horoscope said today. It's ironic because dealing with, trying to overcome and manage "the fear" have been a theme in my life over the last year or so. I've come to the conclusion that no real harm can come from facing your fears. Lessons are learned, mistakes are made- good or bad: we just keep evolving.

Sometimes it's good to let go a little bit. I've always been a bit of a control freak, a perfectionist. These days, I'm trying to let loose a little more. While I recognize that putting all your eggs in one basket isn't necessarily always the smartest thing to do, when it comes to certain situations, it has to be all or nothing. Nobody knows what is going to happen in life. I'm at a point now where I'm just going to choose to live it. Life is just too short not to take a chance. Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. Hearts break and hearts mend. Some things are just meant to be. And if they aren't, well they can still be one hell of a ride. And I've figured out along the way that I'm a much tougher cookie than I used to be. Sometimes you just gotta "love like you've never been hurt and dance like nobody's watching."

I've spent so much of my life worrying and holding back- wasted so much energy feeling low and self conscious. And the thing about worrying, is that it usually doesn't accomplish anything. I'm sure that I'll always think too much and overanalyze and want to discuss, as Geminis it's what we do best. I just can't let that stop me from taking in all that I can. I have spent far too long sitting and wishing and waiting. Now, finally, it's all happening. And I'm having a freaking ball.

Take me to the shore, and wrap me in a blind tomorrow

Here I am, back from an unplanned blogging hiatus...I suppose I just wasn't feeling inspired for a while there, so a little break was needed. My head has been too busy to articulate thoughts clearly in recent months. And beyond that, for the first time in a long while, I have actually been really happy.

I decided that it was time to update things, so please be patient with me as I get used to working with Blogger and until I can figure out how to transfer my archives over from Friendster...they date back to my inaugural post in March 2005. It's hard to believe that I have been blogging for that long!

The last year has been a whirlwind. I have followed rainbows and chased my dreams. Most importantly, I have faced so many of my fears, which is exactly what I set out to do. I have come through some mind blowing transitions with a sense of contentment and wisdom. That's not to say that I haven't encountered some bumps along the way. I have certainly been faced with some challenges. But I'm discovering that I'm stronger than I thought I was, and what a relief that is!

Now, I'm in a phase of transition again. I had always imagined that when this time came, there would be little pieces of my heart scattered all over the place. I was wrong. My heart is intact. I stepped off this carousel all on my own. And there's no way in hell that I'm ever jumping back on for another ride.
When I write a book, he will not be a chapter but a feeling throughout- not an event, a vein of emotion. I have begun to realize what I truly value in life and recognize what's really important to me. I want to stay connected to my roots, to my family and to my true friends. I feel so blessed to have such an outstanding group of people in my support system. I am a lucky, lucky girl. These days I'm not only happier and laughing more, but I've learned things, about love, about being a woman, about what I want and do not want in friends and partners...about how to take care of myself.