I Had To Find The Brake

I often feel like if I stop for one minute, I'll shut down and I won't be able to start back up again. Then like a house of cards, everything will come tumbling down. I'm a control freak and I'm attracted to extremes, so sometimes I don't even realize how hard I'm pushing myself.

In the last few weeks, I have been sicker than I can ever remember being. It has made me realize that I'm not invincible; that if I don't take care of myself, I won't be capable of doing what I need to do. Caught up with "being in the zone, " and so busy congratulating myself for how much weight I'd lost, I didn't even realize how little I was eating, the limited hours of sleep that I was getting, or how hard I was pushing my body with intense workout sessions. Commitments on top of commitments, and I couldn't ever bring myself to just say no. I kept motoring through. I hate letting people down, so will go to just about any length to avoid it. Go, go, go is what I did, until I finally hit my breaking point, and ended up being forced to do nothing but rest for almost two whole weeks. I started to genuinely worry that I was never going to get better. I guess this was my body's way of pulling on the reigns. Without balance, bodies, minds, and even machines break down. How easily I seem to forget that.

Finally starting to feel better, I have spent this weekend allowing myself to unravel, digging deep underneath all those layers of muck to see what was going on in the cluttered up parts of my mind and the empty spaces of my heart.

Life involves constantly readjusting priorities and trying find balance. I recognize now that I need to start making my health and well being a priority. I need to listen to my body and learn how to relax. Oh, how I've fought it. As it turns out, I'm actually not the energizer bunny.

I will rest tonight,
to the tips of my toes.