I'm packing and feeling anxious... and trying not to be emotional and trying not to forget anything... while also reminding myself that I'm not supposed to sweat the small stuff, that I can't please all the people all the time, and a million other clichés that only partially comfort my busy mind on a night like tonight. Meanwhile, I am worrying about everything under the sun, despite the true importance of any of it in the grand scheme of things...such as whether or not my knockers are going to fit nicely into my sample dresses and whether or not I'll cry if they don't.
So, in an attempt to unwind, I put a movie on. I tried to hide tears and relief that it was as good as it should have been. They fell in love all over again, Before Sunset this time. Or maybe they didn't fall out of love at all.
And I watched The Dreamers last night. Bernardo Bertolucci. Full of soft porn, and tension between siblings and lovers, art and politics. It was a pretty film. The colours drew me in- the characters' lost confusion kept me there.
Both films were set in Paris. Inspiration must pour from the sky there.
Tonight, as I often do before the craziness starts, I feel a little melancholy. I want to be kissed. I know that sounds silly, but we all feel it sometimes, I'm sure. I haven't felt this way in a long time. Maybe it's because I have had the luxury of being kissed when I've needed it. Right now I want it. Silly. It must be a girl thing.
Tomorrow is supposed to be another hot day. In tribute to that, I will share an excerpt from a book I have just begun reading. This passage made me feel what was being described. It made me see what he was seeing. I love it:
"I want to be free of cities and sexual entanglements. Heat. This is what cities mean to me. You get off the train and walk out of the station and you are hit with the full blast. The heat of air, traffic and people. The heat of food and sex. The heat of tall buildings. The heat that floats out of the subways and the tunnels. It's always fifteen degrees hotter in the cities. Heat rises from the sidewalks and falls from the poisoned sky. The buses breathe heat. Heat emanates from crowds of shoppers and office workers. The entire infrastructure is based on heat, desperately uses up heat, breeds more heat. "