Tuesday, September 11, 2007

I am a woman of heart and mind

I wasn't feeling very well tonight, so I curled up with a cup of tea and my journal. As I flipped through and randomly read pages of old entries in my tattered book, I was thinking...

Over the weekend, I found out that a childhood friend of mine was killed. This news certainly shook my reality, broke my heart and reminded me how short life is and how quickly and abruptly it can come to an end.

We all have the desire within us to control, and we all have the capacity to lose control. Control is something that we can't get rid of. We can lessen it or make it bigger but we just can't get rid of it all together. I think the point is to exercise control in the positive realm, whether it has to do with yourself or other things. But then there's also the line between change and control. I personally think you should try to change things rather than control them, if you believe strongly in them. I've been making a solid effort in my life recently to be the change I want to see in this world. I have learned that I can't control everything (and as a serious control freak, that has been very challenging), but I know that the power to make a change is within me.
And I don't think that I've never been happier in my life or more comfortable in my skin, which is the greatest feeling, because in the past, I'd always been so uncomfortable in it. I've molded myself into the person that I am. I still have a road to travel to be the person I aspire to be, but I'm moving in the right direction.
Over the last year some absolutely amazing souls have come into my world and made a huge impact on me. Being surrounded by people who love and accept you as you are has got to be the most comforting feeling- like warm socks right out of the dryer. My entire life, I have been fortunate enough to have a solid support system. I have a family that will always be there for me, even when I fall on my ass and screw up, they are there, always. I have friends that let me be me through laughter, tears, good times and bad. I have air in my lungs for taking in every last breath, every moment.


When I had my birthday party in June, it was a really nice dinner at Chill Winston. At one point, I looked around the table and I said to myself, I can't believe that I'm so lucky to be surrounded by these people right now. I'm twenty six years old today. I've carried myself through the years. I've made mistakes along the way, but they were the kind of mistakes that we all have to make in order to learn. And, thank God, I did learn. If you repeatedly make mistakes and don't learn from them, then that's a rocky path. But if you burn the shit out of yourself and then go, okay, that hurt, but I've got it now, then you can go on. I've never looked down on experience in myself or anyone else. To me, that moment on that day was like a version of the game, Dog Out the Window. You know, when you put your head out the window and you let the wind rush at you? And that's what it was like - it was a rush. I felt so grateful and proud of where I was at- and flash to a year before that; I was lost, confused and hopeless. I still have so much farther to go, getting to this point has really given me so much incentive to go farther. I have dreams... whether not pursued, still there, waiting like a beam of sunshine on a rainy day. I have love, in my heart and all around me. I may not be able to control everything and everyone around me but I can control how it makes me feel. That's why today I feel happy.

6 comments:

Carmen said...

You and your friends are all so beautiful Jen!

Jennifer Stoddart said...

Thanks Carmen! You're so sweet!

Christine said...

Sorry to hear that you lost a friend. Losing someone is one of the hardest things to deal with in life.

Tawcan said...

Sorry to hear that you lost a friend.

Very well said on the part about mistakes.

Scott said...

>> I may not be able to control everything and everyone around me but I can control how it makes me feel

That's impressive to me that you can -- and ideal in my opinion.

Jennifer Stoddart said...

Scott, I'll be honest...perhaps that sentence should say I can *try* to control how it makes me feel. I can remember my friend Eddie always telling me when I was little "nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent..." and that always bugged me because I didn't think I could help it. But I've realized that I do choose how I feel, to some extent. That doesn't mean it's any less of a struggle for me though...it would be ideal to be able to do it all the time. I'm far too emotional for that though, I think. But I do try...I really do.